Some people just make you better

When I taught at Graham, I worked with a woman named Melanie. She was the school language therapist and an incredibly interesting person. In the beginning I wasn't sure if I liked Melanie, or just found her fascinating. Melanie has two kids, who at the time that I worked with her were in elementary and starting middle school. She had a series of live in au pairs (always German - she liked their exacting nature). She worked part time. She clearly lived a very comfortable life with a lot of advantages. She lived her life unapologetically and frequently would "tell it like it is" (or at least how she saw it.) At the time, I thought she was crazy, and ridiculously pampered. Now I just think she is a really smart lady who has a lot more experience than me and is very lucky - I mean who wouldn't want to work part time at a job you like, and have full time help at home?

A couple of the things she said really stuck with me. One of them has nothing to do with this post at all, but I always remember with a smile. She once informed all of us sitting around the lunch table in the faculty room (she never ate lunch in her room - like I said smart woman) that when her second son was old enough that she had forgotten what pregnancy had been like, she announced to her husband that she was ready to try again for a girl (she had already told us on another occasion that she so desperately wanted a girl, that it was a good thing she found out her second son's gender in an ultrasound because it took the rest of her pregnancy to pull herself out of her depression and come to terms with that information). She then told us in all seriousness that her husband ran out that day and got a vasectomy. Why does this make me smile? Well, at the time I thought, what a twisted relationship - her husband would do that without any discussion? As a more experienced married woman, and mother of two, I frequently recall this anecdote, and think that Steve might well do the exact same thing.

But the conversation that I often recall, and the topic of this post, revolved around discussion of a TV show. Melanie didn't watch much TV, but was fascinated by a couple of shows. She managed to draw many of us in, even creating a group that would discuss her favorite shows (but only on her time line - as she always Tivo'd them and watched them a day late with her kids since they were on after bedtime). What were the two shows that she watched religiously? "Survivor" and "The Amazing Race". She loved watching the personal emotional interaction between the contestants.

In one particularly enjoyable season of "The Amazing Race" there was a young couple that was extremely competent, but when things weren't going their way, they got really mean, especially to each other. The guy in the couple, in particular, had a habit of blaming the woman when they weren't as successful in a challenge as they hoped to be. Melanie's take on the relationship was that the guy was just a jerk, but that the girl wasn't a jerk - that the guy brought out the ugliest sides of her. She said that some people just make you a worse person, even if that's not who you really are. At the time, it really resonated with me as I had recently gotten out of a really ugly relationship with a guy who made me crazy. It was nice to be able to think I wasn't really that crazy person, just with the wrong guy.

Now when I think of that conversation, I think of the corollary - if some people can make you uglier, other people can make you better. Almost every day I thank my lucky stars that I married a guy who makes me a better person.

Steve is one of the best people I have ever met - kind, generous and thoughtful to a fault. Somehow he has managed to rub off on me. It's not like I think 'What would Jesus - I mean Steve - do?' in every situation. I just, am kinder and more thoughtful. I enter each interaction from a more optimistic perspective than I used to. I assume, if not the best of people, at least that they aren't out to harm me or only think of themselves. And knowing how he constantly forgives my faults, it is much easier for me to allow other people theirs. When I feel I've been treated unfairly, or rudely, etc., it just doesn't bother me the way it used to, because I've got Steve - those other people just don't matter as much.

When we fight it never lasts long. Because as soon as I can think clearly, I just remember that he always has my best interest at heart. Whatever I am mad about, is likely just a misunderstanding, or a little bit of crankiness. I've never had that experience before. I like who I am now, more than I have ever before in my life. In short, I thank my lucky stars for my amazing husband who not only loves me and our kids, but also gives me the ability to be a better person every day.