Sunday Night Dinner

We enjoyed an impromptu dinner at Grandma Joan's and Grandpa Lou's house on Sunday.

The highlight was watching Shira and Carlin kiss.

And Samuel had a good time taking pictures. He told me I shouldn't delete them, so here they are in their entirety.

The world through Samuel's eyes:

Do you remember what it was like to see the world at this angle? I don't. But I do remember that it was a bummer to never be able to see anything. Hence the love of sitting on counters...

Shira can run!

She's been working on it for awhile, but it wasn't quiet running until this morning, more like really fast walking. Today, it's very clear, she's a runnin'.

Imaginary Play and Dress Up

Samuel seems to have hit another developmental milestone. He has really begun to engage in imaginary play on a consistent basis, both by himself, with Shira and with other kids. On Monday, Samuel and Lillian played on a boat and surfed in the water. Yesterday Shira and Samuel were running away from sharks, and today Samuel was helping Winnie the Pooh drive a train. I'd give more examples and details, but it's pretty difficult to follow most of the time. Also incredibly adorable. Especially when Samuel leads Shira around the house, asking her if she wants to play along, and telling her what is happening.

Shira is working on taking care of her dolls and I think she will be getting herself dressed and undressed on her own in no time. It will be nice when she is able to put on and take off her own socks and shoes, so that she doesn't need our help for her multiple costume changes.

Lotta uses the potty

Shira demands that I sing to her to entertain her each time she sits on the potty. In an effort to forestall another rendition of "Hello Everybody" or "Heads, Shoulders, Knees and Toes", I suggested that perhaps Lotta needed to use the potty too. Shira enthusiastically agreed. It seems I have found at least a temporary distraction.

We spoke to Bubbie on Skype this morning. The kids were entranced.

Shira and Penelope have been very obliging the last couple of weeks by napping at the same time. (And yes, that is another new Freecycle stroller. I have to say those double Bobs are as awesome as everyone says.)

And when Rebecca and Katherine finished with preschool they came over and snacked and played with us until dinner time.

Bubbie's Visit

A couple of weeks ago my mom came and stayed with us for a few days.

She brought us an avocado from her tree. And made me take a picture of it. She's very proud. She wanted to make sure you could tell how big it was, so we added a regular avocado from the farmer's market for comparison (hers is the big one).

She also taught Samuel the finer points of fancy make up.

Shira still asks for her every single day, even though she left 2 weeks ago. For a little while, she would wake up at 5am and say "Bu bu", in the most pitiful voice you could imagine.

Some people just make you better

When I taught at Graham, I worked with a woman named Melanie. She was the school language therapist and an incredibly interesting person. In the beginning I wasn't sure if I liked Melanie, or just found her fascinating. Melanie has two kids, who at the time that I worked with her were in elementary and starting middle school. She had a series of live in au pairs (always German - she liked their exacting nature). She worked part time. She clearly lived a very comfortable life with a lot of advantages. She lived her life unapologetically and frequently would "tell it like it is" (or at least how she saw it.) At the time, I thought she was crazy, and ridiculously pampered. Now I just think she is a really smart lady who has a lot more experience than me and is very lucky - I mean who wouldn't want to work part time at a job you like, and have full time help at home?

A couple of the things she said really stuck with me. One of them has nothing to do with this post at all, but I always remember with a smile. She once informed all of us sitting around the lunch table in the faculty room (she never ate lunch in her room - like I said smart woman) that when her second son was old enough that she had forgotten what pregnancy had been like, she announced to her husband that she was ready to try again for a girl (she had already told us on another occasion that she so desperately wanted a girl, that it was a good thing she found out her second son's gender in an ultrasound because it took the rest of her pregnancy to pull herself out of her depression and come to terms with that information). She then told us in all seriousness that her husband ran out that day and got a vasectomy. Why does this make me smile? Well, at the time I thought, what a twisted relationship - her husband would do that without any discussion? As a more experienced married woman, and mother of two, I frequently recall this anecdote, and think that Steve might well do the exact same thing.

But the conversation that I often recall, and the topic of this post, revolved around discussion of a TV show. Melanie didn't watch much TV, but was fascinated by a couple of shows. She managed to draw many of us in, even creating a group that would discuss her favorite shows (but only on her time line - as she always Tivo'd them and watched them a day late with her kids since they were on after bedtime). What were the two shows that she watched religiously? "Survivor" and "The Amazing Race". She loved watching the personal emotional interaction between the contestants.

In one particularly enjoyable season of "The Amazing Race" there was a young couple that was extremely competent, but when things weren't going their way, they got really mean, especially to each other. The guy in the couple, in particular, had a habit of blaming the woman when they weren't as successful in a challenge as they hoped to be. Melanie's take on the relationship was that the guy was just a jerk, but that the girl wasn't a jerk - that the guy brought out the ugliest sides of her. She said that some people just make you a worse person, even if that's not who you really are. At the time, it really resonated with me as I had recently gotten out of a really ugly relationship with a guy who made me crazy. It was nice to be able to think I wasn't really that crazy person, just with the wrong guy.

Now when I think of that conversation, I think of the corollary - if some people can make you uglier, other people can make you better. Almost every day I thank my lucky stars that I married a guy who makes me a better person.

Steve is one of the best people I have ever met - kind, generous and thoughtful to a fault. Somehow he has managed to rub off on me. It's not like I think 'What would Jesus - I mean Steve - do?' in every situation. I just, am kinder and more thoughtful. I enter each interaction from a more optimistic perspective than I used to. I assume, if not the best of people, at least that they aren't out to harm me or only think of themselves. And knowing how he constantly forgives my faults, it is much easier for me to allow other people theirs. When I feel I've been treated unfairly, or rudely, etc., it just doesn't bother me the way it used to, because I've got Steve - those other people just don't matter as much.

When we fight it never lasts long. Because as soon as I can think clearly, I just remember that he always has my best interest at heart. Whatever I am mad about, is likely just a misunderstanding, or a little bit of crankiness. I've never had that experience before. I like who I am now, more than I have ever before in my life. In short, I thank my lucky stars for my amazing husband who not only loves me and our kids, but also gives me the ability to be a better person every day.

Today we have only Bad Mothers

I just finished Ayelet Waldman's memoir "Bad Mother" and while I didn't find the memoir to be particularly riveting, and I disagreed with her on several points, I appreciate that she articulated something that I hadn't previously been able to put my finger on.

"In our mothers' day there were good mothers, neglectful mothers, and, occasionally, great mothers. Today we have only Bad Mothers."

"The Good Mother remembers to serve fruit at breakfast, is always cheerful and never yells, manages not to project her own neuroses and inadequacies onto her children, is an active and beloved community volunteer; she remembers to make playdates, her children's clothes fit, she does art projects with them and enjoys all their games. And she is never too tired for sex."

In other words, there is this unattainable goal of being the "perfect" mother, which is impossible to achieve, and when I inevitably fail (I swear I'm not going to yell in anger at Samuel ever again) I am not just a good but imperfect mother, but a Bad Mother, one who is probably scarring her children for life.

Waldman likes to blame women and their competitive natures for it. I, on the other hand, think we are set up for this by the way our still male dominated culture and society views women and mothers. It is another factor in the inequity between men and women. A good father is a guy who shows up and changes the occasional diaper. A good mother, on the other hand, must not only take care of her children's every need, but revel in subsuming her needs and desires to them, and never express any negative emotion.

Each time I make a mistake with my kids, yell at them, get frustrated, not want to play with them every second of the day, not want to be touched, pulled, prodded, sucked on for one more instant, I feel like I am the worst mother on the planet, rather than just a person who needs a break and some space. Why is it that I feel like I am not allowed to ever feel like a separate human being with wants/desires/needs?

Why is it that some of the other moms I spend time with uphold one particular mom on a pedestal, feeling like the rest of us never measure up, based on the fact that we have never heard her yell, or get angry, and she only records the side of their life where she is constantly playing games with her kids, creating projects, doing activities?

I resent that in the implied comparison I am a less good mother because I don't have a theme of the week and a science project to match it.

I found Waldman's memoir annoying, but I appreciate the truth that she spoke regarding The Good Mother vs. The Bad Mother. I think I'm a Good Mom. I'm doing the best I can. I love my kids. I keep them as safe from harm as I can, while allowing them to explore their world. I feed them healthy food. I am trying to teach them to care for other human beings. The next time I begin to be filled with self loathing and frustration over not being the Perfect Mom, I will remind myself of this.